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It’s a natural tendency for us to want to hide our sin. Adam and Eve tried to hide from God as soon as they sinned and people are no different today. Satan plays on that tendency, using lies to persuade us to keep our sin secret. Some common lies are:
“They won’t understand”
“They’ll judge me”
“They can’t help me anyhow” or “I don’t need their help”
“They don’t know what it’s like to be me”
“They can’t handle the truth – it will hurt them too deeply”
If we believe the lies, we will likely withdraw and disconnect from God and the people in our life. We cannot afford to be cut off from these potential help sources. Our adversary prowls around like a “roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour” (1 Peter 5:8). When we allow ourselves to be isolated, we’re like the weak gazelle that gets separated from the rest of the herd. Eventually it becomes lunch for the lions!
What’s so dangerous about keeping my struggle secret?
Secrecy brings us under Satan’s influence of deception. Jesus called him the “Father of Lies” (John 8:44). When we engage in deception, we literally open the door of our life to Satan’s influence. God wants us to have truth in our “innermost being” (Psalm 51:6). When we hide things in secrecy, we are giving lies a place in our innermost being.
Fear then gains a foothold as a result of our harboring lies, as we fear being found out, especially when sexual sin is involved. Typical fears faced by sex addicts include:
- Fear of being found out
- Fear of divorce
- Fear of rejection
- Fear of losing my job
- Fear of losing others’ respect
- Fear of having to give up my pet sin
A natural response to fear can be to try to further cover things up and/or avoid dealing with the root problem. Too often people may dive deeper into secret indulgences to medicate their fears.
Secrecy causes physical problems. Living a double life will wear us down physically, emotionally and spiritually. For example, in Psalm 32:3-5 David described what happened when he kept his sin secret. David’s bones, energy and emotions were all damaged by his secrecy until he confessed his sin. There are many other possible physical problems that could arise from staying in secrecy (stress, ulcers, etc.).
Secrecy blocks blessing: God will not bless us when we’re covering our sins. Proverbs 28:13 confirms this: “He who covers his sins will not prosper, But whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.”
Regardless of our situation, it is best to break secrecy by confiding with someone we know. The next question then is, “Who should I tell?” We encourage you to consider this question with much prayer. Some people may be better able to handle the revelation of your sin than others. Ideally, you’ll want to share your situation with someone who is following Jesus – someone who will listen and give you godly encouragement to continue in your walk to freedom.
Accountability relationships – Places to break secrecy
Accountability relationships can be excellent places to break secrecy and encourage one another in our walk with Jesus. By “accountability,” I’m referring a loving, non-sexual relationship between same-gender Christians that is meant to mutually encourage and strengthen each other in their pursuit of God. These relationships can exist in a one-on-one or in a small group (3-5 persons) format.
Who to meet with? Look for someone who is interested in living for God. Pray for God’s guidance and confirmation as you go forward. If you are not sure about where to look for a potential group, your church may be a good place to start. Instead of waiting for someone to invite you to join a group, you may need to take the initiative in finding or forming a group.
Ideally the persons involved should meet periodically throughout each month to stay in tune with how things are going with those in the group. These are not performance-oriented relationships. If a person falls to sin once, the relationship should not be in jeopardy and it should not be the role of group members to punish each other for failure. It is possible that all of us will fall in sin one time or another. The accountability relationship should provide love and encouragement for people to get back on track and keep walking with Jesus.
There are several scriptures that support the need for accountability relationships:
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12: “Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” (NKJV)
Matthew 18:20: “For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them.” (NKJV)
James 5:16: “Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another…” (NKJV)
Proverbs 15:31: “He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise.” (NIV)
Proverbs 27:17: “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” (NKJV)
The story Jonathan and his armor bearer makes a great analogy for accountability groups (1 Samuel 14:6-14). In the story, Jonathan and his armor bearer scaled a steep cliff and defeated a Philistine garrison of 20 men. They were united in purpose, faith in God and desire to serve God. As Jonathan attacked the enemy, his armor bearer stayed with him, guarding his back. As the Philistines fell before Jonathan, his armor-bearer killed them. Applying this to accountability relationships, we all need armor bearers to help us fight the spiritual battles of life. The walk with Jesus was not intended to be a one-man show. We need to be connected with those in the body of Christ as a team. We need people who will stand with us in battle and cover our back. Also, we need to be willing to be armor bearers for others in their battles.
Qualities of a successful accountability relationship:
- Truth: This may be the biggest challenge week in and week out. The group members must fight the temptation to gloss over what is really going on in their lives. If people aren’t being real about what is going on, then the group will lose effectiveness. It may be difficult to admit that we’re struggling, but it’s even more difficult to admit when we’ve failed.
- Love: Love will keep the relationship alive and free from any “legalistic” turns. Love is quick to listen and slow to speak. I’ve found it’s often a temptation to want to give advice and a quick fix. People don’t always want or need my advice, but they do want me to listen to them.
- Tough Questions: Tough questions will help keep us from glossing over the core issues. Here are some examples:
· Did you look at porn this week?
· Did you masturbate this week?
· Did you take actions to avoid a repeat scenario of how you fell?
· What can I do to help you avoid or escape the triggers that lead you to sin? (phone call; prayer; lunch, etc.)
· What areas can I address in prayer for you during this week?
· Have you lied to me in any of the above answers?
- Loving Correction: Correction can be crucial to the overall success of an accountability relationship. Paul wrote, “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord” in Romans 12:10-1 NASB. When a person lags in their diligence by falling into sin, how will the accountability partner(s) react? Will they just brush over it and hope that it doesn’t happen again, or will they take the issue head on and ask the person to account for what happened? I suggest that if they brush over the sin, it will be bound to happen again. If a person truly loves his friend, he’ll take action to address the sin.
Corrective action should be taken with a “gentle,” humble attitude. Paul wrote:
Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions… Galatians 6:1-4 NIV
With that in mind, here’s a possible approach to use:
· Ask the person explain how/why the failure happened
· Analyze the chain of events and brainstorm with the person to determine how to prevent future failures
· Encourage the person to move forward and return to living for God (by not embracing the sin any longer)
· Offer to help in any way possible (prayer, check-up calls, etc.)
One of the misconceptions of accountability relationships is that they somehow give people special power to break sin’s grip on the soul. Jesus really is the only reliable power source for breaking addiction, and effective accountability groups are those that point people to Jesus for power and transformation. In and of themselves, the groups can’t stop a person from sinning. Empowered by the Holy Spirit, the person who chooses to obey God rather than sin will gain victory over addiction.
Unfortunately, there are times when even the best of accountability relationships don’t work out. In the event that a person continues to fall back into sin over and over, it might be time to disband. I encountered such a situation with a friend who I was meeting with for about three years. We met together, prayed together and did Bible studies together. There were many times when it seemed like he was making progress in his relationship with God, only to later fall back into his old addiction patterns. I felt it was time to suspend meeting when he refused to break secrecy with his wife about the problem.
When no progress is being made, it may be time to consider doing what Paul did in 1 Corinthians 5:1-11:
It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that does not occur even among pagans: A man has his father’s wife. And you are proud! Shouldn’t you rather have been filled with grief and have put out of your fellowship the man who did this? Even though I am not physically present, I am with you in spirit. And I have already passed judgment on the one who did this, just as if I were present. When you are assembled in the name of our Lord Jesus and I am with you in spirit, and the power of our Lord Jesus is present, hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord.
Your boasting is not good. Don’t you know that a little yeast works through the whole batch of dough? Get rid of the old yeast that you may be a new batch without yeast—as you really are. For Christ, our Passover lamb, has been sacrificed. Therefore let us keep the Festival, not with the old yeast, the yeast of malice and wickedness, but with bread without yeast, the bread of sincerity and truth.
I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat. (NIV)
Breaking off a relationship with someone who is continuing in habitual sin may seem like a harsh thing to do, and it may not be pleasant experience. Nevertheless, there is good that could come out of it, especially if one releases the person to God’s care and continues to pray for them. The person that Paul discussed on the above passage eventually repented and returned to the church (2 Corinthians 2:5-9).
If you are married, at some point, you will need to tell your spouse about your struggle. Sexual sin can be devastating to a marriage, so I would urge prayerful preparation prior to sharing this with your spouse. Its not realistic to think that you’ll be able to get free and never have to tell your spouse about your former life. Since you are one with her/him in body and spirit, you can’t afford to keep this truth from them. Withholding your secret struggle from them is the same thing as harboring lies in your inmost parts (Psalm 51:6). Sharing the whole truth will be essential for the rebuilding of your intimacy and marriage sex life. If you have previously told a trusted Christian friend about your situation, they can pray for you when the time comes to tell your spouse.
Can my spouse be my accountability partner? Unless you are walking in sexual purity right now, I recommend that you do not make your spouse your accountability partner. This is primarily because of the emotional “re-wounding” that can occur if you fall back into your sex sin habit regularly.
Personal Application Questions:
Have you allowed yourself to be isolated from God and/or the body of Christ because of your sin? If so, what steps will you take to get re-connected?
Have you told someone close to you about your secret sin yet? If not, what are the excuses you are using for not doing so?
How many of those excuses are based on truth?
Are you willing to surrender to God any fears you may have about breaking secrecy? If so, please take a moment and speak to the Lord in prayer about your fears. A suggested prayer is, “Father, I confess that I have allowed the fear of _______(list) to control me and keep me in secrecy. Please help me break the power of fear and have the courage to break secrecy. Thank you, Father! In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”
Are you involved in an accountability relationship right now? What steps will you take to get connected with a group?
If there are no accountability groups in your area, would you consider starting your own group?
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